This is My Sarcastic Face

Goodbye Part Two

2012-01-11T18:19:00.000-08:00

Growing up, our house was always under constant renovation/construction. My mom being the ~~picky bitch~~ visionary, and my dad being the handy man, there was always something to re-do, improve upon, or just plan change cause they didn't like it. And, while my dad had good intentions, he was not always able to keep up with mom's grand plans. As such, rooms went tore up and unfinished for years. See example: 3 hour long home video that takes place over the course of 7 YEARS in which my parents rip out and completely rebuild their kitchen.

Perhaps this is where my love for take-out and need to dustdustdust comes from?

To make a long story even longer and more ramble-y, I vowed when I grew up that I WOULD NEVER DO WHAT THEY DID. ::Enter ironic laugh here:: Some of you might recall my last post, you know, the one where I bragged about getting a new sink and that fancy disposal thingy. It seemed simple enough to me. Pop old sink out, drop new sink in, connect some wires and plastic tubey dealies. Done! I am totes experienced in this field. I smell a job change in my future.

I guess it was a bit more complicated than that. Normally, B can handle the little remodels around here, but since this involved plumbing which he is not too familiar with, we called in reinforcements- my dad. Two beers, two pizzas, and three hours later the sink was in.

You would think this would make me happy! New sink! Garbage disposal! No more rust stains!

Wrong.

As it turns out, the contractors that built this ghetto of a house jimmy rigged the dishwasher with a too short hose. Now, with new sink in place, the existing hose is not long enough to connect my dishwasher. Ok- we are minus a luxury for a few days. Oh! And, yes the newly installed garbage disposal works... when you climb underneath the sink and plug it in to the outlet EACH AND EVERY TIME YOU WANT TO USE IT. Apparently there needs to be a switch installed or some shit. Now we are down two luxuries and I am starting to question things. And, don't you know we can't put the cabinets and contents of said cabinets back until those things are fixed, so I have bits and pieces of the above strewn about the kitchen. It has been like this for going on 4 days.

*Eye twitch*

But, at least it looks nice.

Goodbye Part 1

2012-01-03T15:45:00.000-08:00

Relationships are complicated.

In the beginning everything is new. Everything is shiny and wonderful. It's exciting! And so you don't notice imperfections. Hell, you might not even notice critical fundamentals are missing for a strong and lasting future. Maybe that is why they say love is blind?

As time wears on, you begin to notice things. Flaws start to rear their ugly heads. You begin to question things. And eventually, you begin to wonder why you ever got into this relationship.

I think for some relationships this is natural. And, as most everyone does when you reach that point, you decide to end it. For me, it has been 5 years. And while there have been some good times, the past few years it has gotten harder to live with my disappointment and disgust. I have become resentful at times and now, after much thought and reflection, I have decided to break up with my sink.

I have not told sink yet. But, this weekend, along with my husband and my dad, I will be removing it from my life forever. Looking back, sink and I were never a good match. I mean, it didn't even have a garbage disposal! And the premature rusting was just plain unattractive. I need more in a sink. I deserve better.

This is My Scrooge Face

2011-12-04T20:23:00.000-08:00

The holidays are a bitter sweet time for me. It wasn't always thus. Five years ago I would have gladly joined in with the of carving pumpkins, stuffing turkeys, and baking Christmas cookies. Five years ago, thoughts of family gatherings, holiday work parties, and champagne filled New Year's eves would have been front and center on my mind. And, come the beginning of October, when the leaves start changing and the days turn a bit colder, those warm fuzzy thoughts of the holidays sneak in, only to be quickly and abruptly squashed and replaced with thoughts of dread. Pure and utter dread because five years ago I started working retail. And working retail and warm fuzzy holidays feelings... they don't mix.

A list of reasons why:
1. There is no time off for me because everyone still needs to buy crap

2. Everyone translates to the entire population of the world times fifty gillion

3. While the holiday, whether it be Thanksgiving, Christmas, whatever, has been on the calendar for the ENTIRE YEAR, people decide the day before is the best time to go shopping

4. And then they are pissed at me when the store run out of turkey lacers, cheese cloth, wrapping paper... HOW DARE YOU NOT HAVE ENOUGH WRAPPING PAPER TWO HOURS BEFORE MIDNIGHT ON CHRISTMAS EVE, THE NERVE!

5. Now I have ruined some kid's entire life because their screw up parent just realized that zomg! tomorrow is a total sneak attack holiday that i had no idea about and i have nothing for my kids! this does not reflect on my parenting skills!

But, as I said... I still get the warm fuzzies, albeit brief and sparatic. Yesterday one of these moments hit me and I decided to put up the Christmas tree. Last year I was totally defeated the entire season and did not even get around to putting a wreath on the front door. However, yesterday I felt motivated so I went down to the basement and dug out the tree, ornaments, stockings, and garland. Things were going smoothly. I organized the ornaments, shook out the tree skirt, put on some Christmas music, and got to work. I was thinking things would go pretty quick as the tree is pre-lit so there is no messing with tangled lights or the pesky stringing and restringing to get them just perfect. Cause don't ya just hate when one side of the tree has more damn lights or a bare spot?! HATE. I digrees. So pre-lit. Easy. Or so I thought. I got the tree all set up, branches fluffed, positioned, and plugged it in:

What. The. Eff.

At first I thought there was a missing bulb. Two hours later after searching through every damned socket I decided, eff it! I got in the car, drove to Walmart, and bought a 100 strand oh white lights. And then I went home to remove the prestrung useless piece of crap lights, which took another hour, and proceeded to string and then RE-string the new lights I bought. You can laugh at the irony if you want, cause I did. And then I cried. After 4 hours and a pulled back muscle, this is the finished product:

Merry Effin Christmas.

All I Want For Christmas

2011-12-02T14:30:00.000-08:00

Back in April, B and I made a deal. Sparknotes version- the deal was if I get to my goal weight of 138 B would quit smoking. The idea was that knowing my love's health rested on my shoulders would be a better motivator than just my own vain reasons for losing weight. If you follow my blog, you know I only lasted 9 weeks at dieting and now I am right back where I started. It's not that I do not care about my husband, I do and more than I can say, but it comes down to the fact that I equate my self worth with how I look and in the end that is sabotaging no matter how you look because no one will ever think they are perfect.

A very wise person told me that people love me for the person I am inside and that person is funny, kind, caring, and beautiful. Therefore, she said, my outsides reflect that, because people who love you will only see you for what matters. And I am embarrassed to say that while I can apply that to my friends and family, I have a hard time applying it to myself.

Yesterday a co-worker and I started a diet program together. We figured with Christmas right around the corner, we should try shed some pounds to combat the inevitable weight gain from all the up coming festivities. Yes, I want to lose weight. That has been a common blog theme for two plus years now. And yes, ideally I would love for B to quit smoking. These are both things we struggle with and ultimately come from within. B is taking steps. And I guess I am too... again.

But Santa... all I want for Christmas is to see myself as my love ones do.

The Moment You've All Been Waiting For!

2011-12-02T10:20:00.000-08:00

Or not, but here are some wedding pics for your viewing pleasure:

It was such a perfect day and SO MUCH FUN! I want to do it all over again. Guess there is always renewing the vows...

Jamaican Me Crazy

2011-11-05T14:47:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it has been two months since my last blog post! I mean, holy geez, time really flies! Not that I was busy or anything... you know, last minute wedding plans, the ACTUAL WEDDING, and the honeymoon.

I have been waiting to post about the wedding until I have the pictures. Unfortunately, that is still a week away and I am getting a little anxious about reaching my goal of doubling my blog posts number from last year. So lucky you! You get to read a blog about nothing, one where I ramble on and on, just to make sure that I have a little number next to the November link. Fun for you!

I guess, if I wanted to be slightly less heartless, I could do this whole thing backwards and post the honeymoon pics. Don't give me that look. Fine.

For our honeymoon, we went to Ocho Rios in Jamaica. We stayed at an all-inclusive resort called "The Jewel." And no, I did not realize the irony of going to a placed call Jewel when I work at a place called Jewel. But thanks for pointing about my never ending dedication. Please forward your concerns to my District Manager. I digress. To say we had an amazing time is an understatement. Words can not describe how awesome it was, how much booze we drank, how much great food we ate, and how much, um, time we spent, er, enjoying each others company.

We were there 5 days, the weather was perfect. We got to do so many fun and new things: zip lining, tubing, snorkeling, and our first time on a hobie cat. But I will shut up and let the pictures do the talking:

This was second breakfast just about everyday. After we took advantage of the amazing food buffet, we would head to the beach bar and get ~~drunk~~ a drink.

With drinks in had we would enjoy the above.

The first picture in this series is us in front of the hobie cat. We took that to what the locals called "James Bond Beach" where there were small rapids. It was beautiful. Apparently this is where the writer of the James Bond movies came to be inspired.

Also, according to the locals, the James Bond creator is also the man who did the above carving while enjoying "Jamaica's finest" (read: weed) with Bob Marley. At this point, I started to think perhaps they were bullshitting us, but it does make for a good story. And the carving is bad ass. It reads- Life is Vibe.

In the trees, way the hell high up, preparing to Zip! Yes I was scared, but no that is not sweat on my shirt, ~~I promise~~! My swimsuit underneath the t-shirt was wet from tubing. Really. DON'T JUDGE ME!

The first is a view from our private balcony off our room. The second the view from the beach looking back on the hotel.

The resort had a beach party one night where they served an AMAZING buffet. Plus, come on, it's food in a boat, amiright? Oh and when we got back to our room after the beach party there was a surprise waiting for us from the hotel staff. Happy Honeymoon!

And, because I know you are curious, yes we did get approached about weed on several occasions. These guys hanging on the fence were just some of the wonderful people to present us with the opportunity to participate in illegal activity in a foreign country. We passed. But, I had to take a picture because they were so ridiculous.

Besides the pot panhandling, we had a fabulous time and are looking to go back next year. In fact, as soon as we got back I started brain storming trip ideas which included, but is not limited to, sending a mass facebook message to our group of friends letting them know that OMG Jamaica was awesome and we have to go next year, so please rearrange your entire lives for it because it will be totally worth it and yeah you might be broke afterward, but who cares, live a little, we are only young once, stop and smell the roses, and blah, cliche, the end.

In Which I Do Not Talk About My Weight

2011-09-20T13:58:00.000-07:00

It has been mentioned that this here blog has turned into a bit of a pity party in which I do lots of complaining about my weight. Key word: complaining. And apparently complaining is a downer. Whatever. So forthwith I shall not mention my large (m)ass. I will, however, do lots of badmouthing of other people.

B and I have been living together for two and a half years. (Note: this is so not where you think it is going, I promise.) And, for two and a half years poor B has had to live without cable or any television channels for that matter. He we have survived on netflix instant watch and the kindness of others (hat tip to Dustin who has lent us seasons of Lost, True Blood, and Dexter). But last week B decided enough is enough. He can no longer live without sunday, monday, and whateverthehellothernight football. So we broke down and got C-A-B-L-E.

I have lived without cable for 5 years. I did not miss it. I was not excited. But B was happy so I figured the little bit extra we would be spending a month was worth it. I would say in the 6 days we have had it, cable has won me over. I cannot believe how much I was missing. Let me break it down for ya:

1. Kate Plus 8 finale- Kate manages to finish her final season strong and maintain her superbitch persona. And while critics may argue that it was her over the top control freak nature that pushed John away, I hold firm to my theory. It was the hair. There is no recovering from that.

2. Four Weddings- this is a show that I love to watch, but I could never been on. Four brides attend each others weddings and then judge one another based on venue, dress, food, and overall experience. The winner and her beau win an extravagant honeymoon to exotic places like Aruba, Greece, and South Africa (apparently the Peace Corps is a sponsor). My favorite brides are the ones who think they are "creative"; choreographed bridal party dances, RED wedding dresses, weddings at 7 am with breakfast reception. Bitch, you are not unique. That shit never wins or haven't you watched the show?

3. Snapped- is like Law and Order but true and without Ice T's stellar acting. I am addicted. You know when you are driving down the highway and all of a sudden there is bad traffic and while you are cursing the fact that you are going to be late to your gynecologist appointment you are secretly hoping the reason for the delay is some gruesome accident with severed heads that you don't really want to see but kind of do? Snapped is like that. God, I love the Oxygen Channel. SHUT UP, DON"T JUDGE ME!

4. Any thing on the Food Network. I like to cook. And sometimes I think I do a pretty good job of whipping stuff up. But watching the Food Network makes you feel like cooking is the easiest thing ever and maybe I should just open up my own restaurant of awesomeness because I baked cookies FROM SCRATCH so stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Rachel Ray. The only bad thing about the Food Network (aside from the other stuff I tried to make but didn't quite get right that is now in the garbage after B lovingly referred to it as "goo") is that when you are dieting, trying to eat right, watching your weight, etc- watching the Food Network is like opening a bottle of Jack Daniels in front of an alcoholic. That, or porn.

Thank God for cable.

Just Breathe

2011-09-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

SPOILER ALERT- the following blog contains adult content, reader discretion is advised.

The last month of my life has been a blur. The next month is about to whiz by just as quickly. 32 days until the wedding. And I love how people find it necessary to point out the tinsy tiny time frame in which I still have things left to plan for themostimportantdayofourlives.

"Not too much longer now!" No shit. I've got theknot.com breathing down my neck everyday with it's goddamned stress inducing time clock-check list from hell. But thank you for pointing out the obvious.

"Have you got everything in place?" No and fuckyouverymuch for reminding me. I had forgotten my aniexty for a second, but I am good now.

"How is B, is he nervous?" This one actually makes me laugh. Because it is that ridiculously funny. All B has to do is sit back and relax until the day of the wedding. On said day, he will get up (after I have been up for hours) shower, shave, and get dressed. This will take approximately 20 minutes and then he is ready. He has had to do very little planning. If he is nervous you would never know it. And... why, should he be?!

Me on the other hand, I get worse with each passing day. I try not to show it, but I am a stress puddle. Of course, the biggest thing I fret about is (drum roll) my weight. As we have seen over the last 6 months on this here blog, I am not good at shedding those unwanted pounds. And, the last month has been no exception. I do, however, rockface at maintaining and/or gaining weight! Go me.

My first and last dress fitting is in two weeks. If I started to diet and exercise today I could probably lose anywhere between 5-10 lbs before then. I want to. But for some reason I just can't seem to give up my crazy cravings. This makes me sad because I know the day of my wedding there will be part of me that is embarrassed about how I look. And I know this is totally crazy because all everyone else is going to be thinking is how pretty I look. And in the end, the looks part is not what matters. This day is about B and I and our love for each other. And when I really start freaking out, this is what I think about. Because this is what calms me down. Now, if I could remember to just breathe.

In Which I Placate My Reader(s)

2011-08-15T19:13:00.000-07:00

I have never really thought of myself as a glass half full kind of person. It's probably more like, the glass is half empty, the contents is poison, everyone is out to get me and I am very near some sort of tragic, bloody, overly dramatic death. I think B would tell you that is putting it mildly. So in other words, I have a ~~slight~~ overactive imagination. For example:

My boss pages me to the office. A normal person would think- I bet he wants to go over some plans for next week before he starts his vacation. I think- Omg, omg,OMG! I am totally busted for leaving 10 minutes early the other day! And probably getting fired. And now I will probably have to take a up prostitution to pay for the mortgage, and then I will get syphilis and die!!!!!

Or:

B is late getting home from work. Normal person- He probably got stuck talking with the closing supervisor and can't get to a phone to check in. I think- I bet he got into a car accident; a semi jackknifed and tore his car in half and now he is laying dead on the side of the road in pieces! THE HORROR!

I am a bit of a worst case scenario type a gal. But, the good news is that my crazy assed thoughts are almost always WAY off and things turn out better than expected. WINNING! You see, there is a method to my madness. METHOD I TELL YOU!

B was on vacation a couple weeks back and I figured it would be a week long of him sitting on his butt, trying really hard to do a whole lot of nothing. And die. Because dying is always part of my worst case scenarios. But he didn't and this is the part where I brag about how great B is. You guys, I have lived in my house for almost 5 years. I have painted a total of 1 room, the kitchen, and that was a year ago... and I hate it. Its like the color of puke after eating popcorn and fruit punch flavored Koo-laid. Disgusting.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, B and his awesomeness. Are you ready? HE TOTALLY PAINTED THE FAMILY ROOM! And it looks amazing! And the best part was- I did pretty close to nothing sans picking the paint color and moving some furniture. I know, he is a keeper. Take a look:

And since I mentioned the kitchen, I guess I can show you my nesting skills (read: my mom insisting I "decorate already!"). Here is some crap thrown on top of the cabinets and a picture of the puke colored wall. Enjoy.

Fin.

Dear Jennifer Aniston

2011-08-02T13:39:00.000-07:00

I know you are 42, which technically makes you old enough to be my mom. I mean, I realize you would have only been 14, but then you could have totally been on that show "Teen Mom" and talked with a bad southern accent, worn lots of eye makeup, and traded your fab Hollywood career for trailer life living. I am generalizing a bit, but you get the idea.

I digress.

I just wanted to say that you are an inspiration. And by that I mean totally effing hot. I am not bi or anything (not that there's anything wrong with that), but I might have a crush on you. I realize you probably work out everyday for five hours with your own personal trainer and you probably only eat lettuce. Details. Keep doing whatever it is your doing. Oh, and for the record, Brad's a moron.

Your (not bi) fan,
Sabrina

I weighed myself this morning. 164. Instead of seeing this as a negative as I normally would, I am trying to put a good spin on it. For starters, that is 3 pound lost. Awesome. Second, my size 12 jeans are not bursting at the button. Woot! Third, I am 4 pounds away from being my lowest weight ever this year. Huzzah! It is hard to stay on track, but with seventy three days left until THE WEDDING, I am running out of options. I have been trying to eat healthy:

Breakfast-

Lunch-

Afternoon Snack-

For dinner, I plan to have grilled chicken and homemade vegetable soup. This has been easier than counting calories, the atkins diet, or any other stupid "lose weight quick" scheme I have tried. The hardest part is resisting the junk. But B has been very helpful and supportive. The other night when I wanted to snack on Cheese-its, he suggested I get some grapes and asked to have some too. It is easier to eat healthy when someone is doing it with you. :-) Oh, and guess who is back-

Scout! Having a walking buddy sure helps as well... I think next week will be another successful one.

Week... Oh Who Cares!

2011-07-24T18:08:00.000-07:00

I know you have noticed. In fact, many of you have commented on it. "No posts, what's happening?" Excuses, I have them! Each one more pathetic than the last-

The power has been iffy.

I have been so busy with work.

I've been painting my nails a lot.

You get the picture. In mostly truth I have been busy, but probably not so much that I couldn't get on here and give you something ~~good~~ ~~entertaining~~ mindless to read. The honest to gawd truth is that I started this whole "Imma gunna kick my own chubby ass and lose weight" with some force that unfortunately fizzled after 8 weeks. Currently, and I mean, asofthismorning I weight 167. Tomorrow I am going to try and find my motivation (oh yeah! I reach 138 and B quits smoking!) and start this pain train again. As always, the support and kind words really help so if you are reading this, I thank you and appreciate your help!

***********************************************************************************

My summer has been busy, that wasn't entirely bullshit. While work is ever present, B and I have been able to enjoy it too. First, WE BOUGHT A NEW CAR! Well, new to us, but still. And you guys, I loves it. I was a bit scared of it at first because OMG is it huge compared to what I was driving. But now that I have gotten used to it, I am super happy B talked me into it. It has already come in handy so much (read: tailgaiting @ Jimmy Buffett)

So long Yeti, I wish I could say it was good while it lasted...

Also on our summer list o fun (shut it, I am not feeling particularly creative or articulate today) was dog sitting for Kim and Mike. They trusted us to watch their sweet little girl, Scout, while they were away for 5 days. And, they are doing it again in August! Crazy, right? Well, until they come to their senses, let me show you some of the fun we had with Scout while she was here:

Enjoying an evening chew before bed.

Politely waiting for B to share or maybe drop something

Riding shotgun on the way to my parents house where she proceed to simultaneously terrorize my parents dog and make her look lames (did I mention I love Scout?!).

And relaxing... in my bed... which I turned out to be totally fine with. It was a rough 5 days for Scout, but she survived. We all had a blast, if I do say so myself!

Oh hey, and this! My sister and I started yoga. If you click on the link, don't judge me. Their website is a bit new-agey and off-putting and if I am being honest, when you first walk into the facility that werido vibe hits you square in the face. But, if you can look past the incense and dream catchers- yoga is wonderful. Normally, if I go to the gym, I am so hung up on how other people look and how I do not look like them that I can't get a good workout. Where we go is great because, there are all shapes and sizes and all levels of yogis. It is a very welcoming and accepting environment where you instantly feel at home. The instructors are great! I just can't say enough good things about it. I leave feeling like I did something good for my body, my mind, and my being. We try to go twice a week. If anyone is interested in coming with us, the first class is free!

The last cool thing on my-summer-so-far list is Buffett. As in Jimmy Buffett. Up until yesterday I could name two Jimmy Buffett songs, "Margaritaville" and "Cheeseburger in Paradise." I could sing maybe one of them. But now, after attending not only the concert but one long ass day of tailgating with some super fans (ie Parrot-heads) I can still only name two songs, but I can tell you what a hell of a good time it was! B and I, along with 7 other friends loaded up two SVU's and headed to Toyota Park for a day of drinking, eating, and majorly sweating our asses off. It was hot. The drinks were cold. And the food was great. Before leaving we were all cracking jokes about how over packed we were, what with our two SVU's filled to the gills. Let me tell you, friends, we were not even close to prepared. I wish I had taken more pictures to help you visualize the craziness that is tailgating @ Jimmy Buffett. People had gazebos draped in grass skirts, generators to run blenders for margarita making, and the outfits. Ho. Ly. Shit. I have never seen so many men in coconut bras, or old women in bikinis. It was both mystifying and mildly disturbing. But, it was for sure entertaining and a hell of a good time. I can't wait for next year!

Welp, that's all for now. Have a good evening and remember to tip your waitress!

Week 9.5

2011-06-27T06:41:00.000-07:00

I must apologize to my humble following. My last post, you know, the bad post, was pretty nondescript. I was embarrassed and heartbroken- to depressed to even blog. Not that I was entirely surprised. If you didn't notice, I posted way late that week because, well, it was just a bad week from start to finish in regards to the old diet. I would like to take a moment and blame not only my dad, but B's dad as well. Yes, the reason for the bad post was entirely their fault and has nothing to do with my lack of self control, who I had thought had come back, but apparently decided it was ok to up and leave when Father's Day hit. Who knows, maybe Self Control has a dad to visit too.

My diet week is Wednesday to Wednesday. Don't ask because even I do not know how I came up with that. Anyway, as Father's Day hit directly in the middle of that, it really screwed me over. Saturday we went to my future brother and sister in-laws place to honor Brian's dad. My future SIL's family was there too and in their typical and yummy Italian fashion, there was GOBS of food. Chips, salsa, cheese, crackers, homemade bruschetta, beer, brats, steak, burgers, salad, corn on the cob, potatoes, fruit salad, cookies, muffins, two types of pie, and a partridge in a pear tree. Holy effin Christ! I. Ate. It. All. My stomach hurt on the car ride home and I vowed the next day I would eat nothing- you know, to counteract all the eating I just did. Well, the next day it was my family's turn to stuff me like a thanksgiving turkey. We went to my mom's parent's house for brunch and were treated to fruit salad, two types of quiche, biscuits and gravy (homemade by grandpa!), ice cream cake, salmon, bagels,, mimosas, and coffee cake. So the whole not going to eat thing lasted approximately 2.5 seconds before I dug in. The unbuttoning of my jeans happened approximately 37 minutes later.

The rest of my week consisted of eating leftovers, which brings us here.

I wish I could tell you after my humiliated post I got right back on the dieting wagon. But... I didn't. Because I suck at life. Or just avoiding tempting food. Yeah, more like that. I managed to gain another 3 lbs since. Up until this point I have been keeping the actual number a secret from you lovely readers. I am not sure why, but I think it is time I came clean and just laid all my chips on the table. i am thinking total honesty will help keep me in line and scare me back on track. So here goes: my current weight as of this morning is 165. When I started this whole diet-blog-life-confessions-of-an-foodaholic I was at 172. My goal, is around 138, which I do not think is terribly skinny or too far out of reach. I would love to aim for 125 but let's not get crazy.

No one likes a crazy person.

Week 9

2011-06-25T15:07:00.000-07:00

Welp, it finally happened. As I knew it would.

Gained... shit.

Back to -10 lbs. (Sigh)

Week 8

2011-06-15T17:46:00.000-07:00

S-U-C-C-E-S-S, that's the way you spell success! I was never a cheerleader. I bet that surprises you. Seeing as I know the awesome "I did it!" cheer. But, no, my chubby ass was never squeezed into some team colors as I pranced around with a fake smile plastered on my face spewing supportive crap I didn't really believe in. Scary image.

*Shutters*

But yeah. I lost TWO MORE POUNDS. That is twelve pounds lost thus far. Huzzah. What up, bitches?! It is an amazing feeling and I am to the point where I can tell when I look in the mirror. My stomach is flatter! My thighs are, um,... ok, well the stomach is about it, but still! It is good. I am slowly chipping away at my 30 lbs. goal. Slowly. That part, it really irks me. It feels so painfully long when I think of how much I have left to lose. And, you hear people say that "slower weight loss (1-2 pounds per week) is more permanent." So, that's cool. Cause being fat forever would suck. But, damn! at the rate I am going it is going to take me 20 weeks! Which seems like forever. FOR-EV-ER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In true, that time frame depends on how you look at it. Like, it's going to take me 20 weeks to paint my kitchen. Holy shit that is a long time. But, on the other hand: I get to have a million dollars for 20 weeks. Holy shit I'd better get spending! See, it's all in the perspective. Guess I need to learn how to change my outlook.

Any tips?

Week 7

2011-06-08T07:33:00.000-07:00

First and foremost, I would like to thank you all for your support! I have received so many emails, facebook posts, comments, etc from you guys cheering me along- it is awesome! And now I must let you all down. Because here we are at week 7 and I am still hanging out at the 10 lbs lost mark. Its nice here, don't get me wrong. I was just really hoping that after 7 weeks I would be pushing -15 and pulling out some smaller pants from the back of my closet. I am not giving up though. In fact, this past weekend has sort of rejuvenated me. My self control decided to come back and I am determined to report something great next week, so y'all get ready! I am sure you are on the edge of your seats... (that is the sarcastic part of my blog, hence the name).

What really kicked me in the ass this week was seeing pictures from this weekend. My brothers, sister, dad, Brian, and I went on a mini camping trip. Do not let me mislead you here. This was in no way, shape, or form real camping. We slept in tents yes, but those tents were built on wooden platforms and had bunk beds in them. We made s'mores over the campfire, but the rest of our meals were eaten in a mess hall, cook by a staff, and fed to us on trays a la M.A.S.H. style. I bet it tasted just as ~~good~~ gross as their food too. Yes, I am comparing the food to an army's in the Korean war, thankyouverymuch. We went fishing, but only spent an hour on the lake, caught one fish (which we did not keep) and got the rest of our fish from a trout farm which is litreally like shooting fish in a bucket. Totally fake camping. That is about as hardcore and nature-y as I get.

And, since most of us are of age (sorry Katelyn) there was beer... lots and lots of beer. It was good times. Here take a look:

The picture that did it was this one of my sister and me.

I looked at that and felt... ashamed. Gross. FAT. So I am back on track. Next week marks 4 months until the wedding, which means 3 months until my dress comes in! I am super excited and I know that I will be beautiful in it no matter what, but I want to put that dress on and not only feel beautiful, I want to feel proud.

Week 6

2011-06-02T20:22:00.000-07:00

I know. I am late.

I have been putting this off.

Which, if you haven't noticed, means things are not going well in the weight loss department. (Sigh). I did not lose a single pound this past week. Not good. But, I did not gain anything either. Good.

This is where people tell me that muscle weighs more than fat and it's not about the weight it's about the inches. To all you lovely people I say, bullshit. Because for anyone trying to lose weight anywhere it is all about the god. damned. scale. Straight up. And while yes, my pants are fitting a bit looser and I feel more energetic, in reality I know what went wrong. My self control decided to take a vacation...

Dear Self Control,

Hey, what's up? Are you having a nice trip? I haven't heard from you in a while, so I thought I would drop you a line to say I miss you. I know that might be weird to say considering we just met 6 weeks ago. But, I felt we really had a connection. A spark. I thought things were going well. But then you just up and leave me like that. Without any warning. I am hurt, Self Control. How you gunna play me like that? Listen, I know you might be new to this whole sticking around thing. But give it a chance. We are great together. Don't leave me now. We were just getting started. I NEED YOU, SELF CONTROL!

Love,
Sabrina

Week 5

2011-05-24T07:59:00.000-07:00

I can't even believe it has been 5 weeks already! It goes by fast when I look back, but in the moment this weight loss thing seems so effin long. But, I am happy to report that I lost another 2 lbs! That is a 10 lbs loss to date. I am a third of my way there! It is all very exciting and exhausting and whatever other "e" adjective you would like to throw in that you think might apply. Fingers crossed that I can keep this up!

***********************************************************************************

I have never really thought about getting a tattoo. In fact, I think I would probably categorize myself as anti-tattoo up until very recently. Like 4 days ago. When I saw a really cool/cute tattoo on one of my employees. That sounds a bit creepy. It totally wasn't though, I swear. How about I just show you:

See? Totally not creepy. MY POINT in this whole thing is now I am kind of wanting something similar. And, for the record, I apparently live under a rock. I googled "tattoo's behind the ear" and a good number of celebrities have them. Celebs I know and like even. Note to self: brush up on stalking skills. Ok, but yeah... so I am telling B my idea about maybe getting a tattoo and he tells me with all seriousness "You are not a tattoo person." In a "we are done discussing this now" tone. Aren't I a tattoo person if I want to be?

Suck on that!

**********************************************************************************

We are t-minus 143 days until the wedding. Not that I like count it down everyday or anything. I am registered on theknot.com and they do it for me. I swear. STOP JUDGING ME! I was thinking about everything we still have left to do and I started to get a little... panicky. So, to combat that I started to recall everything we have in place already: the officiant, the ceremony/reception hall, the dj, my dress. And I felt a little better. Until a comment made to me earlier last week smacked me right in my consciousness. Honestly, I had pushed it aside and forgotten about it because it reeks of bad juju. And nothing is more detramental than bad juju, nothing. But, here I was pondering it and once again freakingthefuckout! Someone told me not to lose too much weight or else they won't be able to alter my dress and I will be forced to buy a new one. Two things about that statement that don't sit well: 1) I have to lose the weight in order to get B to quit smoking. Not losing the weight = not really an option. and 2) We are on a BUDGET and I overspent (just a tad, honest!) on the dress I already bought. Buying a new dress = not really an option. Hence the freak out. She'd better be really wrong or else...

Week 4

2011-05-18T07:33:00.000-07:00

New blog title I am toying with: This is my ~~sarcasitic~~ hungry face. Whuddayathink?

Oh man you guys, I did it. I got over the plateau hump and managed to lose another 3 pounds. If you are keeping track (which I am sure none of you are or really even care that much and at this point are wondering how the hell you got here or why in the hell you are still reading omfgiamboredwtf) that is a total of EIGHT pounds lost. As in only twenty two more to go. Twenty two. Eff. You should just call it a million because oh my Christ is this dieting thing HARD. And I am not even good at it.

It is like when I was in college. My roommate and I played euchre with this group of guys. We weren't particularly good at it, but we wanted to look cool (read: dominate them boys cause that's how we rolled) so we devised a system of movements that were extremely ~~sneaky~~ obvious to win. It worked for all of two games. But man, we looked so cool for those two games. Total domination.

But I digress. Since my post last week when I discovered that why no you can't really lose weight by eating pretty much the same junk and not working out, I decided that I might want to try a bit harder. After all, this is not just about me, B's lungs are on the line. And I don't really want that on my conscience. That and my MILTB (mother in law to be) so kindly reminded me that any chance of B quitting smoking rests solely on my shoulders. NO PRESSURE!

What were we talking about? Oh yeah, so I started eating better because honestly, eff working out. Anytime I try to do that I nearly die. Honest. to. gawd. But I am realizing that dieting and actually sticking to it is just as hard. Last night for dinner B had this amazing looking peperoni pizza that was all greasy and cheesey and yummy... holy shit I am drooling. Me? I had chicken and lettuce for lack of an appetizing description. Which, was good, don't get me wrong. But it wasn't pizza good. And that part... it was hell. And the fact that there are pizza left overs in the fridge right now is not helping either. This is haaaard. Can I be done now? Someone hand me a ho-ho and a bag of chips! And where did that pizza run off to?

Weirdly enough, as much as I have been struggling (read: cheating with a small handful of m&m's every day), my resolve remains. It is kind of amazing how powerful a motivator it is knowing that once I have gone through my struggle, B will start his. Wait... that came out wrong. But you know what I mean. For like, our health and stuff. Yeah.

Week 3

2011-05-11T07:48:00.000-07:00

Pla·teau
1.
a land area having a relatively level surface considerably raised above adjoining land on at least one side, and often cut by deep canyons.
2.
a period or state of little or no growth or decline: to reach a plateau in one's career.

(Sigh). I knew this would happen sooner or later. Granted, I was banking on a whole lot later. But alas, it has happened now. I have hit. a. plateau. And you know what? It is totally lame. I mean really, everything about that word is lame. An area of land surrounded by water on three sides. You suck, plateau. You island wannabee. Too bad you came up just a little bit short. You are a failure. You will never be an island, so just deal!

I am not discouraged. Just bummed. Because I know what this means. I either have to start exercising more. And by more I should say I have to start exercising. Or I have to start eating less. Neither one of those options really sound that good to me. To be fair, I haven't really done much to lose the weight other than making better food choices and counting some calories to make sure I don't exceed 1500.

But, I am not discouraged. Which is surprising. Normally at this point I would say eff it, and eating my weight in nachos, chocolate, and ice cream. Not today, though. I will continue to eat better. And as the weather gets warmer I am sure my motivation for getting more active will develop. Maybe. Hopefully. That and it's only 156 days til I have to put on my wedding dress.

Week 2

2011-05-05T08:08:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to write this since Monday. Time got away from me. I wish I could say that I have been spending my free time enjoying time outdoors and cultivating new hobbies, but mostly I have just been watching a lot of this. I am not proud. It's not even a good show. But B and I don't have cable (or even basic channels) so we are forced to go through Netflix instant watch for entertainment. Now that we have exhausted everything cool (ie 24, Lost, Dexter, Grey's Anatomy) our standards are plummeting rapidly.

Crappy shows aside, week 2 was AWESOME! I beat last week's two pounds and finished with an amazing three pound loss. For those of you who are paying attention, that is a five pound loss total! What's up?! And, you guys? That is not even the real victory story here, nope.

Ok, so yesterday was my day off. Days off are usually my downfall, especially if B is home too, which he was. I have a hard time distracting myself from all the yummy junk that is so easily within reach. But, I did well. B and I even went outside and played catch (sidebar: OMG I am so out of shape and sore, I think my arm is going to fall off) and went for a mile walk. I ate well and after dinner told myself that I was done eating for the day. The B and I headed off to his hockey game. 5 hours later as we were driving home B mentions that he is going to stop and get some fries from McDonalds. My mouth started salavating. And the next few minutes went something like this:

B: Did you want something, fries maybe?

My stomach: NOMNOMNOM YES PLEASE, MAKE IT A LARGE AND HOW BOUT AN OREO BLIZZARD

My brain: Probably not a good idea... that is like 1 billion calories

Me: Um, I am kind of hungry, what are you getting?

B: Fries and I am not sharing

My stomach: THAT'S OK, IMMA GUNNA GET MY OWN

Mr brain: I guess I could get something small

Me: Maybe I will get some chicken nuggets?

My stomach: HELL YEAH!

Mr brain: Which is still a bad idea, think of all that time you would have to spend on the treadmill just to burn off half of the calories in anything from McDonalds.

Me: Actually, never mind. I am good!

You see what I mean? VICTORY! I don't think I would ever been able to resist that in the past. I am still a bit stunned that I didn't beg for a fry or two. I even resisted when B offered me a chicken nugget. And oh my, did it smell so. frickin. good. But I am doing this. I am five pounds closer to a healthier me and a healthier B and I am not going to let anything stop me.

I Love You, Baby

2011-05-01T08:15:00.001-07:00

Last night we went out to dinner with a group of friends. I can't remember the last time B and I actually had a whole weekend off together that meshed with friends; it was a beautiful thing. What is even more beautiful is I met someone. I met someone and fell in love. Brian met him too. Don't worry, B is not the jealous type. In fact, I think he is a bit in love himself, even if he won't admit it to anyone. You know, that whole macho guy bullshit where they don't have feelings? Lies I tell you.

Last night, we met for the first time, our friends Kim and Mike's little baby boy. We were a little slow in getting to see the little guy as he was born back in March, but better late than never! Let me just tell you, internet, he is SUPER CUTE!

Oh, and I got to hold him, and feed him, and you guys, he smiled at me like twice. (Sigh) I love him. Enterbabyfevermode! Ok, not really, but I'm thinking it won't be long. Another couple we are friends with are due today (yes, you read that right, today, as in RIGHTFRICKINGNOW). And the way two other ladies were cooing over the baby last night, I am sure they are not far behind. Although, apparently, it has been deemed B and I will be preggo by December if not before then with a honeymoon baby. That's the speculation (please note, MOM, it is only speculation and it is not mine).

This will most likely not be happening.

For two reason's: 1) I am going to lose 30 pounds, y'all. And, since I am getting older this weight loss thing isn't as easy as it used to be. So, you bet your sweet ass I will be wanting to flaunt my new hot bod at least for a little bit before making it look like I ate a basketball. I am vain, extremely and utterly vain. And reason 2) Have you met my future husband? The man is terrified of children. Like, you would think someone told him he is the one who has to give birth through his man parts. Scared shitless, I tell you.

One day, though, in the not too distant future, it will be us. Until then I will just have to stick with borrowing our friends kids.

Week 1

2011-04-25T18:59:00.000-07:00

It has been a week since the deal. It has been a long, hard, and tempting week. There were tears, and sweat, and blood. Well no, not blood. But overall, it has been successful! I lost 2 lbs! Back in my younger years this would not seem like an accomplishment. Back in my younger years this would not have been a victory. Back in my younger years can suck it!

Part of me does not even want to be posting this. Because, 2 lbs is not really a big deal, I mean sometimes I pee 2 lbs. No really. I drink that much water. Ask B. In any given night, I probably go to the bathroom at least three times. Honestly, it is pathetic. I feel sorry for me. I am thinking perhaps I should invest in Depends. And then invest in the company that makes them because their profit would skyrocket. Note to self: find out what company makes Depends. Wait, I should probably know that being an Osco Manager. Note to self: be better at my job.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, so but I am posting anyway. You know, to make B nervous. I am coming after him! And he is going down. Well, it's really more like I am coming after his smoking habit... and that is going down. BE SCARED SMOKING HABIT! I WILL KILL YOU!

Or something.

Oo, look something shiny...

All In

2011-04-18T18:12:00.000-07:00

I used to have a rule. A rule that I stuck to with an ironclad grip up until about 4 years ago, when I met B. It was simple, straightforward, albeit a tad bit exclusive. My rule was "I don't date smokers."

I am not really sure why I decided this, but since the time I started dating I dismissed the affections of anyone who so much looked longingly at a cigarette. I have not lost anyone to lung cancer, have not witnessed what havoc it can bring on the human body, in fact, when it came to cigarette exposure I was extremely sheltered. I was also militant about my rule. Until B.

I can't really tell you what made me let B be the exception. But, unlike other guys who smoked, I was not repulsed by him. In fact, I would often go outside with him at work for smoke breaks, just to be near him. When we started dating, he spent an entire 10 hours without smoking (I am sure because he knew my stance on it) and at the end of the day I questioned why? He said because he knew I didn't like it. I told him I liked him just the way he was. Is. I do.

Now that we are living together and in a comfortable relationship, the smoking bothers me. It always bothered me, but now that we are preparing to start a life together, complete with children (no, MOM, I am not pregnant), I worry more and more about his health. My health. The health of our future children. I am so in love with this man; I can't live without him. I can't imagine raising our children without him. I can't bear to think of what that crap is doing to his body. I tear up when I think of the word c-a-n-c-e-r.

But B is not motivated to stop. I think part of him thinks he can't. And I, while I don't like it, completely understand where he is coming from. Because while I do not have an addiction to nicotine, I do have a very unhealthy addiction of my own. I am an avid over-eater. In the past 6 months I have gained close to 20 lbs. And as much as I try to lose weight, I inevitably lose the battle and even manage to gain more. I feel out of control. I feel powerless.

I was thinking about it today. B and I are not able to motivate ourselves. But maybe we can motivate each other? If we are working toward a different purpose, perhaps we can overcome our nasty little habits? So I proposed an idea, put all my chips on the table, and B and I struck up a deal. I lose 30 lbs, he quits smoking. It is not going to be easy. I have tried many times and fallen flat. But now, now my success equals something greater. Something bigger than me, my vanity, my low self esteem. Now my success means a healthier, happier, and longer life for my future husband. It means more years together, more running around with the kids, more of the man I love. And that is something worth fighting for. I'm all in.

A Letter to My Future Self

2011-03-30T18:05:00.000-07:00

I need documentation. Because I know when I am a parent I will not remember this moment. I know this because no parent does. At least mine didn't, so you know, that means it applies to everyone.

THIS IS UNIVERSAL PEOPLE, I AM NOT EXAGGERATING!

But seriously, remember being 8 years old and wishing your parents would let you stay up late? Or dreaming of when you get older because then you don't have to eat stupid vegetables? Or thinking how cool it would be to be a grown up because then you could buy whatever you want? You know we were all totally this stupid as children, don't deny it.

So! Here goes, my documentation, my proof, my vow to my unborn children (side note: No, MOM, I am not pregnant. I repeat, I AM NOT PREGNANT. Also important to note, MOM, that I do not have any intention of becoming pregnant any time soon. Soon being my own definition, MOM, not what us quoted in Webster's dictionary. It will happen one day, just not now... Give it up):

Dear Sabrina-sometime-in-the-distant-future,

Being an adult sucks. It sucks hard.

Remember this when you kids are asking to stay up late, have ice cream for dinner, or for one more thing from the dollar store. Because, if you recall, when you get old you can stay up as late as you want, if you want to drag ass at work and pray to sweet baby Buddha that your boss doesn't notice the IV of caffeine you have attached to your arm. And sure you can have ice cream for breakfast lunch and dinner if you want to look like Jabba the Hut. And finally, when you get old you can buy whatever you want so long as you are a slave to your job because lawd knows those bills don't pay for themselves.

Just once in a while- let your kids pretend they are grown up, because the fantasy is so much better than reality.

Confessions:

2011-03-24T13:34:00.001-07:00

I am a Fair Weather Blogger.

That's me. I have come to accept it. It is about time you should too. That is, if you are still there. Is anyone there?

That is a rhetorical question.

Anyway, here I am. Ready to entertain you with the awesomeness that is my life.

Also, to boast about my modesty.

I wish I could say I have been busy. And I guess to some extent that is true, if you call working 50 hours a week, planning a wedding, and filling what little free time you have with cooking, laundry, and watching the last 6 seasons of Grey's Anatomy on Netflix instant watch, busy? Let me digress for a moment and say, ladies- if you have not had the pleasure of seeing Grey's or hold some sort of grudge against it because you can't stand Katherine Heigl, let me tell you to just watch it already! It is so good and Heigl pusses out half way through season 4 so, get over yourself and WATCH IT NOW.

But where was I? Ah yes, busy. When B and I got engaged back in July we were not really in a rush to set a date. I think it took til October to set an official this-is-when-we-are-getting-hitched date. And now here we are, 204 days away from the big day. Let me tell you, that shit came up quick! And while I am not in panic mode yet, I can feel it creeping up on me like those ten pounds I gained over Christmas and it is only a matter of time before I freakthefuckout. But really I should calm down. We have the reception hall. We have the officiant. We have the DJ. We have invitations and most all the addresses. We are pretty sure on where we are going to get the flowers. And the honeymoon is booked. So that is something, isn't it?

But, the big thing. The one thing everyone asks about. The thing that every bride "supposedly" dreams of (I say this with quotes cause I never did, but then again I was a bit of a tom-boy). The long, white, costs as much as a down payment for a car, thing. I haven't even started. Everything else is easy. The flowers, the hall, the hours of researching honeymoon destinations was a cake walk compared to the task of finding a dress. And I am running out of time. Because of this huge obstacle standing in my way.

The number staring up at me from my bathroom scale.

How Do You Know When It's Love?

2010-11-09T12:57:00.001-08:00

I will tell you goddamned how- When you are covered in your own snot and the one you love politely points it out to you. That, my friends, is love at it's finest. But I am getting ahead of myself.

Let's rewind.

Last week, I was sick. And yes, before you even ask, I DID get my flu shot. Which was painful, not so much at first, but for three days after my effin arm was sore. But I get one every year. Because I work for a Drug Company so I support my business. And because it is free.

But flu shots don't cover sinus infections, who knew?

So last Sunday I started to feel icky. Monday morning, I looked and felt like death (thanks to B and everyone at work for letting me know just how awful I looked... much appreciated, really). I only made it through a half day of work before I caved and went home where I slipped on some pj's, took some cold medicine, and fell into an over medicated sleep. None of this did much to make me feel better.

Tuesday was B's birthday. I wanted so badly to be better. I got up and told myself that a shower would do the trick. I cleaned myself up, did my hair and make-up, and took the birthday boy out to breakfast. I was even a little dressed up. I wore my cute black dress coat with my grandma's broach and told myself that I looked good so I felt good. But my nose was still running like a leaky faucet. It was... gross. As we got out of the car to go into the restaurant I blew my nose for the fifteenth hundred time. I walked over to B to grab his hand and he started to laugh, sort of. Not like, at me, but more like, something-cute-happened-so-you-have-to-chuckle sort of a thing.

Me: (Looking around confused) What?

B: Look down at your broach (yes my man knows what a broach is! what up!)

Me: (More confused and now panicked that something awful has happened to my grandmother's broach) Huh?
...
Oh crap!

Apparently I need to be taught how to properly blow my nose because there was a long string of snot running down the front of my coat.

So much for looking good. But at least my man loves me.

Princess Jaba

2010-10-24T17:06:00.000-07:00

So Halloween is coming up! Yay! Sort of. Ok, really it is more like (sigh), crap... I have to figure out a suitable costume to cram my chubby ass into again this year. In case you might not have guessed, this didn't go so well. And now do I not only have that to obsess over but I have compounded it with the costume thing. Just once I want to look sexy in some scandalous outfit! Ok, that is a lie. I would love to do it all the time. But FUCK dieting is hard.

At work we had this health assessment thing. Some clinical specialist poked, and squeezed, and prodded me. That part was good (not that kind of good, pervs). My LDL's and HDL's are amazing and I am in the less that 1 percentile category when it comes to having heart problems later in life. Victory! And then that bitch made me get on the scale. With my clothes on. Which we all know adds AT LEAST 10 lbs. I tried arguing this as she made a disapproving face, calculated my BMI, and told me I need to lose a few pounds, but apparently she is deaf. And I fall into the overweight category. Big effin shock, lady. She smiled and told me that it would be easy (this coming from a stick insect wannabe) to drop a few pounds since I get so much exercise at work! All I have to do is cut back a bit on the food! It's like magic!

I guess stick insects probably don't need to eat much to survive. And they probably only crave things like lettuce and celery anyway, so how hard is that to give up? I, on the other hand, need to eat a good amount to survive since, as previously stated, I work hard. And such awesome work ethic demands rewards in the form of carbs! Pizza! Pasta! Nachos! Ice Cream! You get the idea... and my dilemma.

But I am getting a little off topic. The issue at hand is what to be for Halloween? Being the cheesy fiance that I am, I insist that B and I do something couple-ly. Which makes the issue much more complicated because B is surprisingly picky about what he wants to be for this party. I jokingly mentioned Princess Leia and Hans Solo and HE LIKED IT. More than that, he is stuck on it. No other costume will do. And even more shocking than B's costume choice is that I cannot find a moderately priced knockoff anywhere! Oh! And the ones I do find are crazy expensive and look like some cheap hooker garb:

*Rubs temples* Oh well... there is always next year. Or this...

Help! I've Eaten and I Can't Get Up!

2010-08-17T17:47:00.000-07:00

Ahem.

I have a thing about my weight. You might have noticed me mention it once, or twice, or maybe even a third time. Yeah, so it's sorta like that. Like that I am good at whining about it but not good at doing anything about it. I tell myself if I had the proper motivation it would be a piece of cake. Because apparently being healthy, living longer, my upcoming wedding, swimsuit season... yeah none of those are big contenders in the motivational category. At least not when it comes to lasting. (Sigh) What is a girl to do?

So I have been thinking about this. What would be a good motivator? What jump starts someone into getting healthy and losing weight? I am sure it is different for everyone. I know it is. And when it comes down to it, for me, it is the fact that going at it alone just doesn't work. I need a buddy, a confidant, someone I can turn to for support. At least that is what I tell myself. But really what I think I mean is I need someone to hold me resposible, accountable, and to kick my ass when I am not delivering the results. Or to praise me when I am.

Which gave me an idea!

I know lots of people who are struggling with this as well. We can hold each other accountable! We can celebrate our success and redirect our slip-ups, and do this whole weight loss thing, get healthy, together! PERFECT! So I have decided that each week on my FB page I will put in my status for the world (ok, my 337 friends... so almost the whole world) to see my current lbs. to be lost and my progress from the previous week. So, for example, this week's status will read +30. Hopefully next week will read +27, -3. And you guys can cheer me on and post with me and it will be fun and healthy and awesome! Yay. And yes I really do need to lose 30 lbs, trust me I will still be WELL within my healthy weight range, so shut it.

So that is my idea. Day 1 starts tomorrow, people, so support me! Kthanx.

Excited

2010-08-10T17:35:00.001-07:00

Wow! So my last post was in May. I am terrible. Really. I am not even sure why you are here. But you are, so I must entertain you. Or something.

So what has gone on since May? A LOT! Geez, I can't believe I have not written since then... I am still not over my crappery. Hopefully you are. And now, instead of actually writing a for real post, I will dazzle you with bullet points! You will be dazzled (shakes fist), DAMNIT!

1. Most important I AM ENGAGED!!! Yes, that deserved 3 exclamation points, it is exciting dammit. And B was so romantic about it. It was just perfect. I barely even suspected a thing. Although there were a few times during the evening that I thought "well maaaaybe, but nah!" He took me to Milwaukee, we had reservations and this fancy shmancy hotel, and then he took me to dinner at this amazing (read: amazing and expensive) restaurant! Then we saw Wicked! The musical! It was soooo good. When we got back to the hotel room there was champagne on ice waiting for us in our room. When I turned to ask him about it, he was down on one knee with the most beautiful ring! It was perfect. Wedding to be sometime next fall. Yay!

2. We painted the effin kitchen. And I am not happy with it. The color is all wrong. The paint job is horrible and needs to be touched up. And there is tape stuck in some areas because apparently you are supposed to pull that shit up BEFORE the paint dries (who knew). Make sense now, but at the time all I was thinking about was keeping my counters and cabinets paint free. Which didn't happen anyway. Ugh. All in all it was a terrible experience, BUT, we did it. And one room in my house is not white. So that is a win in my book!

3. My best friend, Austin, moved to MN. Which is not the good news. It is hard. Especially since I am not real good at having friends. In fact, she is really the only person I keep in touch with and now she is gone. BUT, I do get to go visit her this weekend! Woot. It is going to be so much fun, I can barely sit still! This week is dragging by so slow. I leave saturday morning! I have to be at the airport by 7 am! That part will suck, but the rest of the weekend is going to be (to quote B) "tits"!

OK, so yeah that is it for bullet point fun. I figure 3 months of MIA deserves 3 bullets points. Makes sense, yes? Bah... I don't think anyone cares anyway. And even so, I am just too damn excited to care myself!

There's Something Women Like About a Pick-Up Man

2010-05-16T15:38:00.000-07:00

So, internet, I wanted to spare you this story. I did. But it is on my brain like white on rice, consuming my thoughts constantly, and I feel very adamantly that this constant thought consumption will stop if only I blogged about it. Lucky you.

Ok, so I remember my aunt once saying that she thought men that drove trucks were hot. And I think there might even be a country song about it (yes I wrote think pretending that I don’t actually know, shut up). I never really subscribed to this mindset until yesterday. When I saw my boyfriend behind the wheel of a big pick-up truck. Looking all manly and full of testosterone. Let me tell you, internet, it. Was. Hot. I can’t get the image out of my head. I think I even freaked B out when I commented on it- it must have been that crazy look in my eyes that I am sure I had because I could so feel it shooting out of my eye sockets like laser beams. LASER BEAMS I TELL YOU!

But that is not the only part of it that taking over my thoughts. Mind you, it is a good chunk, but not all. There is a little tiny part of me that wonders why I am just discovering the validity of my aunt’s comments, and that one country song that may or may not exist, now? I mean, it is not like I just discovered boys yesterday (as much as my parents may wish that were the case) and trucks are no new discovery either. My dad has had a truck my entire 27 years of existence (let’s leave any Freudian comments about that alone). So why now? Whhhhhhhy?

I have been pondering this all day. At work. Yes I am very productive and good at multitasking. Shut-up I am! The only thing that makes sense in my mind is that it was B and he is my whole world, my whole heart, and all that completes my life in goodness, rightness, and happiness. That has to be it. Cause, eff, that shit was H-A-W-T!

Excuse my while I wipe up my drool.

Danger Will Robinson!

2010-05-04T18:19:00.000-07:00

I am dangerous, internet. I mean it. Totally. Utterly. Unsafe. Why you ask? Mwahahahahaha. Do you think such a nemesis as myself would let you in on a secret as secrety as that?

Yeah, you are right... I can't keep a secret.

Move in a little closer.

Good.

Now, for the unveiling (have I drawn this out long enough? are you sitting on the edge of your seat? or did I draw it out too long and lose your undivided attention to that annoying gerbil video in youtube? hello? ANYONE THERE?)... ok, here it is... I am dangerous because:

OMGILOVESCUTEPUPPIESSOMUCH!

Look at this little guy? Can you blame me? I mean, how does your heart not melt into a liquidy mess of goo when you lay eyes on that face? TELL ME, INTERNET, HOW? It makes me want to run out and buy one right this god damned minute. I wants one. I needs one. My precious!

Thank god reality sets in before I actually do it. Because I so could (hell I have done it before in the past). It has gotten so far as to me getting into the car to go to a pet store before I remember, oh yeah, I had dogs once and that was a lot of work. A lot of work. With the walking and the feeding and the constant needing of attention. Hmmm, that reminds me of someone.

But we are getting off the topic. I was talking about cute little puppies that make your heart gooey and also your house messy, your yard a mine field, and you bank account near empty. I repeat: A lot of work. Not that it wasn't worth it. I do miss my little girls. They brought so much joy to my life in an otherwise shitty time. But, at the moment, I do not have the free time a dog would require and it would not be fair to said dog. And that is what wins out every time.

But damn they are cute.

Give Em An Inch, They Take A Yard

2010-04-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

Weeds. This is what I am blogging about. Because holy mother of sweet baby Jesus, how do they do that?! I have lived in my house for almost 4 years now. The first year there was no grass (thank you very much to new construction). So then the first summer comes around and they rolled out the carpet grass which took TONS of water, y'all. For real, I had to take out a second mortgage for that shit cause the water bills was through the roof. And then... well the lawn care goes down the hill from there. As in nonexistent.

Now last summer I noticed some weeds. Ok, maaaaybe a bit more than some; but once the lawn mower cut their heads off it was no big thang. It looked almost good. B even laid down weed and feed in the fall! To prevent more weeds and kill the existing ones! We sat back, had a drink, and laughed our way through the winter.

And now it is this year. The year where yellow is the new green. As in dandelion heads galore. Eff! Weed and feed can suck it cause it did nothing but steal my hard earned money. I hate you, weed and feed.

So we bought another bag! For the spring! To prevent more weeds and kill the existing ones! What is that saying about fool me once? I can't remember. Oh well! Fingers crossed this time that SOMETHING happens out there. For realz, if it doesn't I am tempted to call in the experts. I least when I had over my money to them I get a smile from the thief who is taking it. Effing weed and feed.

I Don't Get It

2010-01-04T14:12:00.000-08:00

Alternate title: What the Eff?

Ok, so I know I said no more complaining. But I also said that it would take baby steps, so I figured I can put my trying not to complain on the back-burner for a day to get some shit off mah chest. Plus, it is not really complaining, more like witty observations with some clarification needed. Cause for real...

1. We live in Chicago and it is a wee bit chilly round here these days. As in -13 below, as in the Frozen Tundra, as in I am sure Hell Would Freeze Over if it came to visit. You get my drift. So it only makes sense that people are dressing accordingly. Down coats, wool hats, fleece scarves, etc. Apparently though, the frigid weather does not affect small children under the age of 1. I have seen two (as in more than one crazy-assed) customers come into the store all bundled up from head to toe and their little not-so-bundled of joy is sitting on mom's hip or in a stroller pushed by dad wearing nothing but a onsie. Really? That's just bad parenting y'all.

2. Along the same lines, but not as disturbing, are the customers who come in wearing big puffy jackets, hats, gloves, boots and... shorts. Am I missing something?

3. How anyone ever came to consider this "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year", I will never know. Call me Scrooge, call me a party pooper, hell, call me a bitch if you would like but I Loathe. This. Season. I am so happy it is all over and done with. Now I just have to tough it through the icy, snow, and subzero temps for a few more months and my personal hell will be over for a while.

4. Something else I just don't understand: New Years Resolutions. This guy came into my store on New Year's Eve and bought two packs of cigarettes. When I gave him the total he said, "Whew! Expensive. Glad this is the last time I will ever buy these. Gunna quit tomorrow, cold turkey." I have to admire his will power; someone who smokes two packs in one day has got to have nerves of steal to quit cold turkey. Or a brain of jello. In which case, I admire as well... they say ignorance is bliss.

5. And finally. It has come to my attention that people say stuff like "lol" and "brb". Not when they type. Oh no. People actually say it in real life. As in everyday conversation. Like they are real words and it is completely normal to say them. It's not. You are a freak and if you talk like this it is completely fine for people like me to make fun of you for it. Mercilessly.

Welp, since I cannot think of a good way to end this, I am just going to do it abruptly and without any warning.

End blog!

Last post of the year

2009-12-30T09:18:00.000-08:00

Wow, I am a horrible person. Or just a horrible blogger. Yeah, it is more likely the second one. Seeing as today is DECEMBER 30th, I thought I'd better get in at least one post for the last month of 2009. And HOLY CRAP I cannot believe I am even saying that! This year has gone by so fast. With that in mind, I wonder what should I blog about?

Honestly reader, if you are still sitting there in breath held suspense I will be sourly disappointed as I thought it fairly obvious... it is time for A Count Down. Ah yes, it is that wonderful blog where I look back and reflect on all the amazing things that have occurred over the last 12 months. Now, since my life is pretty damn fantastic, it is going to be hard to narrow down the very best of each month, but I will manage. Ready? Here goes!

January- This one is easy. My best friend got married! And it was a beautiful, amazing, and totally fun event! Accept the part where the crappy hairdresser cut me some funktastic bangs! But, the good news is my bangs have grown out and the happy couple are still that. Win win!

February- (Awesome, I spelled that right on the first try. Shut up, I am a crappy speller.) B and I took our first "real" vacation together to the Bahamas! I say real in quotes because we had gone away on a weekend to Milwaukee not long before that, but that is not a vacation in my book. But the Bahamas, THAT was a vacation! It was a cruise, so much consumption of fruity drinks with umbrellas and all the beer we could handle. And, not to mention probably the coolest part of the whole thing was SWIMMING WITH DOLPHINS. Cause my B is a baller like that and he made sure to make that trip something I will not soon forget.

March- My wonderful boyfriend and I decide to take that next step and make plans for to live together!

April- B moves in! Awesome.! Accept the part where poor Kim's car got hit sitting in front of my house (by my wonderful neighbor backing into) on move in day! But the good news is Kim's car was fix and B and I are enjoying playing house! Win win!

May- Remodel craziness winding down. B gets to come help at my store! I miss working with him.

June- Round two of wedding craziness! Meredith and Tony get married, Jake and Sarah get married, romance madness everywhere! Also, not to be overlooked, remodel at my store complete at the time! Re-grand opening a success! Time for a drink... thank God I had some weddings to go to.

July- Dustin and Linda get married. (This was year of the weddings, folks). This was really cool because B was the best man and he had to do a speech, which i sort of helped him write. B and his friends have this really awesome group of people with the most incredible bond I have ever seen in a group that size. I feel lucky to be a part of it, even if I am still sort of on the outside.

August- My boss was on vacation like almost this whole month. It was really cool to run the store myself, make my own decisions, and realize I am not a dumbass as someone would have me believe...

September- One more wedding (nod to the Sellers) and a glorious 8 days off spent with my man! Oh! And let's not forget, Lobster dinner with the Gendreau clan. Always a good time.

October- This one is sad, but a highlight for sure. My brother, Charles, left to study abroad in Japan for 10 months! I give him a lot of credit because I do not think I could go off to some strange place without knowing anyone and survive for 10 months. We miss you, Carlos!

November- Thanksgiving, duh! Not to mention, B's birthday... which I think he is still enjoying the fabulous present I got him!

December- This month has been hectic because it is the most busy time at work. But, it has also been great because of all the family time. I have the most incredible people in my life and I am very lucky. I realize this more and more everyday, so thanks to everyone!

Whew. And now to prepare for next year... my new years resolution is to be a better blogger (among other things). Help me hold to it, guys! And thanks for reading. :)

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

2009-11-24T17:29:00.000-08:00

So I haven't written anything in, like, FOR-EV-ER! And I am not really sure why other than, welp, I haven't really wanted to be that blogger. You know, the one who writes only whinny blogs. The one who drones on and on about all the misgivings the world has thrown at her. The one I have been my last 10 blogs. Yeah, her. I decided I do not necessarily like bogging everyone else down with mah shit. So I thought, I will write again when I feel the urge to write about something happy.

Three weeks later...

Don't get me wrong, y'all, I got lots to be happy about. My life is pretty damned good when I look at it objectively. But, I am learning more and more about myself as time wears on (good thing). And something I have learned is that I Am A Whiner (not good thing). Just today I was talking with a co-worker and it hit me; I enjoy bitching, it makes me feel better to get it all OUT. You see, when something is nagging at me, I cannot focus on anything else. It just keeps pulling at my mind like a spoiled little child who needs attention rightthisgoddamnedminute! So, talking about it let's me sort through it and then move on.

Anyway, I am going to try and be a little bit better about my complaining because I am sure it gets old to those of you who have to listen to me. But, old habits die hard, so it ain't going to be all buttercups and sunshine right off the bat. That will take time. And gradual steps. Baby steps.

But, in an effort to focus more on the positive, here is a list, in no particular order, of things that put a smile on my face:

hot chocolate
warm fall days
sleeping in
planning trips with brian
the flaming lips
rumbleroar
catching up with friends
upcoming holiday festivities
mac n cheese
5k gear score

Yep... life is good.

Dear Weather, You Suck

2009-10-30T09:51:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I have complained about the weather. I, therefore, feel it is my duty, nay! my obligation to have a bit of a bitch-fest about this god-damned awful weather. If you have been enjoying the last month of nastiness, please read no further- it is about to get ugly- you do not want none of this.

You have been warned.

The past few weeks have been as follows: Rain, cold, cold, rain, wind, hella rain, peek of sun, rain, rain, sort of cold, rain, really cold. And did I mention RAIN.

Seriously. I understand it is fall. But it was like there was no transition. After such a mild summer I am not sure what I expected but it certainly wasn't this. I never did get my hot hot days. Which was OK. Not great, but bearable at least. And I normally love the fall and claim it as my favorite time of year. While it does get a little cooler, it is not so horrible that one cannot enjoy it. But this weather we are experiencing... this is cold. This is wet. This is ugly. No Indian Summer here, folks. Welcome to pure misery which is sure to be followed by the disgustingness that is snow. You heard it. I said it. I said the 's' word. It is a coming and bet your ass it is going to be sooner than we all think.

The constant rain, chilly air, and dreary skies are just a precursor to the foul winter that is a comin' to Chicagoland this winter. And while I am not an expert in anyway (more of a cynic at this point) in meteorology... or even remotely knowledgeable in this category, please note dear reader, that you heard it here first. It is going to be a nasty, ugly, horrid winter.

Thank God for hot chocolate.

Give Me Something Good To Eat

2009-10-19T19:22:00.001-07:00

When I was little I loved me some Halloween. I mean, what kid doesn't love to run around with their friends, stomp through the neighbors front lawn, and demand free candy? Not to mention you get to dress up as your favorite character (holler Sheera fans!). It was fantastic.

Flash forward to the present. Halloween is still very cool. I love handing out candy to the demanding but sweet kids in my neighborhood. I very much enjoy our family tradition of going to The Dungeon of Doom. And this year I am looking forward to carving pumpkins with my sister. What I am not looking forward to is The Candy. I have quite the sweet tooth. Normally, I can suppress it, but some days are harder than others. Like, for instance, days I work.

Since I started working retail I have also started dreading this time of year because it means In Your Face Candy from now until Easter. Each day and multiple times a day, I get to pass 56 feet of sugar coated, chocolate covered, certain to gain 5 lbs just by thinking about them, treats. I get to do this from now until the Easter holiday is over. UNTIL EASTER PEOPLE.

Now I know what you are saying. Just don't go down that aisle. Avoid it. If you don't see it, it is not there. Which is what I normally do with The Other Candy Aisle... you know, the one that is there all year round. But this aisle is not that simple. In my job description (well, that is if there was one) I am required to "spruce up" "clean up" "maintain" the seasonal aisle. That is the aisle with all the freakin candy.

No sweat, only 166 more days.

Eff.

Women: Before Getting Married

2009-10-10T19:35:00.000-07:00

A few months back, I was listening to the radio on my super short drive to work (read: less than 10 minutes and I love it! It's about the only thing that makes my job worthwhile). Since it is only around 8 minutes from my garage to the parking lot of my work place, I did not hear much. But, on this particular day I got in the car just in time to hear the Radio DJ talking about this list he had stumbled across. As he and his co-DJ (for lack of a better term) went down the list and rattled on about each number, I couldn't help but think a few of my own comments. And, since I am witty, clever, and bored (as my boyfriend is sick and has fallen asleep at 9pm on a Saturday night) I thought I would prat on with a few comments of my very own. Enjoy!

20 things every woman should do before getting married.

1) Live by herself for at least a year.

Agree. Every woman should live on her own so that she can learn the joys and hardships of having to things like mow the lawn, change the oil in her snow blower, plunge a toilet. You think I am kidding, but there are some women out there who have never done these things! It makes you a better person and gives you a sense of accomplishment. It also makes you truly appreciate that other person doing it if/when you decide to live with someone. And, if you are still doing those things after your love moves in, it makes them that more appreciative of talented you! Plus being independent is just plain hot.

2) Live with someone else for at least a year.

Agree. A few years ago I would have been on the other side of this, but after having lived life a bit I realized that living with someone before getting married is important for lots of reasons. I know there are studies out there that say people who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced, but I guess this is something that is a personal thing. I don't think you can every really know a person, but living with them is a good indication. If you can live with someone and still love them after discovering their quirks and strange living habits, than you can take that next step.

3) Recover from a broken heart.

Agree. While going through it is not desirable at all, it is a necessary evil for one to discover things about themselves and to grow emotionally. Ultimately, it makes you a better person and therefore a better partner.

4) Have a vacation fling.

Disagree. Ew. Tacky.

5) Take a road-trip with a group of girlfriends.

Agree. This is something that needs to happen pre and post marriage! Girlfriends are the glue of emotional sanity. It has always been thus.

6) Relish sleeping in a queen-sized bed by herself.

Agree-ish. My snobby ass would prefer a pillow top king, please and thank you. If you are going to indulge, go big.

7) Get her finances in order.

Agree. This is part of that dependent woman thing. A woman should not have to rely on anybody for anything. It is her choice if she wants to, but I-N-D-E-P-E-N-C-E is key, financially or otherwise.

8) Learn to love her body.

Agree (sigh) however I know for me personally, this is a huge challenge. A friend of mine who is incredibly beautiful, thin, blond, tall... the works, still has problems with body image. If she suffers, how can the rest of us be expect to love our bodies? This is something that every woman will struggle with from time to time, but the important thing is to remember our looks and our self worth are not synonymous.

9) Have sex with at least one person she’d never want to marry (or introduce to mom).

Disagree. Skank.

10) Find reliable birth control.

Agree! While I am all for children, I am also all for being ready for said child. 'Nuff said.

11) Pay off as much credit card debt and student loans as possible.

Agree. I think this goes back to that pesky finances statement.

12) Spend way too much on a something frivolous.

Agree. You only live once and I think a one (key word one) time crazy spendature is good for the soul and personal morale. Plus it is just damn fun!

13) Exorcise all past relationship demons.

Agree. Bringing relationship baggage with you anywhere is so not cool. Not to mention it does not really start you off on the right foot and you do not want to shoot your self in the right foot in the beginning... or at all.

14) Travel somewhere exotic.

Disagree. I think this is something that needs to be done in a woman's lifetime, not necessarily before she gets married. It could make a great honeymoon or anniversary present. Something like this is super romantic and should be shared with someone special and I do not think it matters if it is before or after getting married.

15) Establish a strong circle of friends.

Agree. Friendships are crucial to personal happiness and therefore crucial to married happiness.

16) Forgive her parents for not being perfect.

I am in the middle on this, but that is because I have pretty damn good parents. While I think that there are some people out there that this applies to, I do not think I am one of them. Over all, for me, this is a disagree.

17) Have at least one night she can’t quite remember.

Agree. You are only young once... as you get old, the stakes get higher. Better to get out the stupid drunken idiocies while the consequences aren't quite as large. That is, if you are into that kind of thing.

18) Experience some really bad first dates.

Agree. Momma always said you gotta kiss a few toads before you find your prince.

19) Find hobbies that fulfill her.

Agree. Having a hobby is important because it ties in with the independence thing I have been preaching about. AND HELLO! Men find it sexy, you don't look pathetic... it's win win.

20) Celebrate her 25th birthday.

Disagree. While I do think anything under the age of 25 is a bit young to get married, I know couples who are totally and completely meant for each other and they are under 25. I do think that in many cases it is hard to tell if marriage is right and time together will help clarify things (you know the phrase- with age comes wisdom). But too much time is not good either. No one wants to wait forever.

Trying to Go Though Life Without Looking Stupid

2009-10-07T20:39:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite comedians, Brian Regan, has this skit where he talks about not wanting to look stupid but sometimes you just can't help it. Like, for instance, when a bee is chasing you. No one else can see the bee. They just see you. Walking along in the distance. And then you flipping out for no reason. Running and flailing your arms like an idiot. And screaming, don't forget the screaming. I have heard and laughed along with this skit more times than I can remember. It is hilarious the way he yells and portrays just how dumb a person looks in this situation. Or, I should say, it was hilarious... until it happened to me.

This past week I had to do some MAJOR grocery shopping. I have been dreading going to the store and finally I had put it off as long as I could. So on my day off, I got up and headed off to Walmart where I proceeded to spend $223.67 on food. Just food. No booze. No cute holiday decorations. Consumable, edible, perishable food. In my defense, Brian's parents just brought us up a handy dandy freezer that needed filling (ok, when I say "just" it was actually a few months ago and I am just now getting around to filling it) with the necessities. Pizza, potatoes, pierogis, ice cream bars, ice cream sandwiches, ice cream cones (yeesh- we have a thing for frozen dairy!) etc. So maybe not all perishable. And it will definitely get eaten. Between Brian's late night WoW endeavors, alone and with buddies, and my appetite, food does not stand a chance.

But I am getting off track. Back to the story:

As I am loading up my trunk with my gargantuan amount of grocery bags, I notice a small bee trying to sneak his way into the bagels. Now, dear reader, understand that I Am Terrified of Bugs. All bugs. And yes, this very rational fear includes bees. Normally I would whimper for Brian to "make it go away" but as I was quite alone and not privy to making strangers extremely uncomfortable by weirding them out and asking them to get rid of the bee, I decided to take matters into my own hands. First, I tried "shooing" it away. I did this lame hand motion in the general vicinity of the bag and even said "shoo" as if it were a magic word that would make the bee vanish in front of my very eyes. It didn't. Next (and this attempt is even more pathetic than the first) I blew at it. No, reader, I kid you not. I puffed up my cheeks and blew with everything I had. The bee laughed. So finally, I mustered all my courage and smacked the bee (with my sleeve covering my hand, of course). To my shock and delight it flew away! I was so happy and proud of myself! I did it! I got rid of the bee!

Wrong.

I grabbed two bags of groceries, one in each hand and as I turned to place them in the trunk that damn bee came at me. BEE-lined straight at my head. I didn't have time to think or put down my two bags of goods. I did what any normal woman my age would do- I ran. Only it wasn't really a run. It was more of a jog/duck/dodge move. One that, I am sure, made me look all sorts of awesome. Not. My maneuver wasn't doing the job. That bee was pissed and he was going to get his revenge unless I did something a little more intimidating. Mind you, at this point I am in the middle of a PARKING LOT with both hands full of bags. So, as I am lamely "running" around, I gently drop one of the bags to free up my hand, sleeve covered, and I swatted and swatted till I was sure that little fucker was gone. Just as I started to let my arm drop to my side I heard someone say hello to me. My parents neighbors (Mrs. Spencer and Mrs. Coleman). Awesome. I waved stupidly as they stared at me with looks of concern. Then, with all the pride I could muster, I picked up my grocery bag and went back to load up my car.

I guess in all my Brian Regan enjoyment, I failed to pick up that life lesson on how not to look stupid.

But damn that is some funny shit.

The Long Drive Home

2009-09-26T08:14:00.000-07:00

Ok, so last night Brian and I went out with a group of our friends to celebrate a birthday. We trucked it down to the ole Schaumburg area to have some good eats and many drinks in honor of Kim's 27th. Please note: the term "trucked it down" is in no way a derogitory comment but rather a descriptive usage to create the image of a driving jaunt just over an hour. We had a wonderful evening. Food, drinks, and merriment were had by all. Kind of.

I am a this diet, see. Yes, dear reader, I am working on my goals! Now, as Chili's is one of my favorite restaurants, refraining from indulging any of the super yummy items on their deliciously and reasonably priced menu was a difficult task, but one that I managed with poise and class. I no 'thank youed' the warm salty goodness of the chips and salsa, 'pass pleased' on the to-die-for south western eggs rolls, and even managed a 'I'm full' when someone was done munching on their mouthwatering fries. Huzzah! How did I manage this grave feat? Well, I DRANK A TON. Not alcohol because that, my friend, has calories (plus I have been having heartburn issues and god only knows that alcohol would not be helpful in that realm). No no, I started with a Diet Coke, then water, lots and lots of water. I cannot tell you just how many glasses of water I drank. But our waitress, bless her heart, was on top of that shit and made sure I never ran out. I like to think that she too is a struggling dietest (yes I just made up a word like dieting is a profession) and sympathized with my cause. But I digress... in the two hours we were there, I used the ladies room three times. The last time, was of course, in anticipation to The Long Drive Home.

As Brian and I got into the car, I smiled to myself. I was so pleased with my bad food avoiding abilities. I even commented on it as we pulled out of the parking lot. Brian offered a jovial "good job, baby!" All was well with the world. And then it was 30 minutes later. And we were not even to that half way home point. And Ihadtopeerightnow! Thankfully, we were not yet on the highway. Brian begrudgingly stopped off at a 7 Eleven and I squeaked my thank you as I tried to run (which is hella hard to do when you have to peerightthisgoddamnedminute). As I struggled to open the door while scanning the store for a restroom, the cashier caught my eye. I smiled weakly at her. She, a portly and somewhat masculine woman probably in her late 40's, did not smile back. In my bladder near bursting pain I managed to ask her, "Where is the restroom?" Although, I think it came out something more like "Rrs rsoooom?" She shook her head at me, as I grinned stupidly in my hopeful anticipation, and blankly stated "No public restroom here, it's for employees only." Confused, I grabbed something off the shelf and said "I"ll buy this!" To which she replied "That would make you a customer not an employee." At this point, my bladder is screaming at me that it is young, but not that young and threatening to fail any second. I tried one last attempt, with my most pathetic looking and come-on-you-know-you-have-been-in-my-shoes-before face said, "But I really have to go, I am on the verge of peeing my pants!" The woman (or at this point in the story I'd like to think of her as Satan) looked at me and said, "So pee on the floor."

OMFG!

So I pulled down my pants and pissed all over the 7 Eleven.

But in reality, I picked my mouth up off the floor and managed to get in a "Well, fuck you very much!" before I walked out to the car and made Brian drive across the street to Dominick's where I was allowed to use the bathroom.

In light of my little adventure, I want to start a petition to get a law or amendment thingy which states that any retail store which serves the public should have a public restroom. Who's with me?

A Simple Command

2009-09-21T16:28:00.000-07:00

Hello my humble following. I must apologize for my lack of writing. I wish I had a good excuse or any excuse for that matter... but I don't other than I am a lazy pile of crap who has not had the motivation to use her brain in a while. It's not that I do not enjoy posting, I do I do! I just have not felt any creative juices flowing and did not want to post some boring dribble. Well, not anything more boring and dribble-ish than I already have posted.

But, lucky for you dear friend, I have had a week off. What a joyous week it was! No work! No getting up early! No real responsibilities! It was fantastic. And sadly now it is over, but it left me feeling more than rejuvenated. So much in fact, Brian and I thought we would get going on that landscaping business. Ok, who am I kidding? The real story is that Brian's dad is sort-of jobless right now which is unfortunate. In his free time he has taken to trying to help us with this whole landscaping ordeal since Brian and I are somewhat or totally new to it.

AWESOME! Or at least it was... until he started throwing ideas out there. I have been very slow to warm to this whole thing because it is intimidating and something I do not want to mess up because I have to look at it everyday and also, when I do sell this beast, the buyers have to like it too or at least not hate it enough to pass up. So I have an extremely vague idea of what I want. Brian's dad who has been very helpful in researching and pricing has his own idea. We do not agree.

*Sigh*

What to do, what to do?

I am honestly at a loss. Any suggestions (the more detailed the better... pictures would be most helpful!) would be much appreciated. Perhaps some one out there can give me an idea that would please everyone and problem solved.

Simple. Now go forth and bring me ideas! I command thee.

Age ain't nothing but a number

2009-08-07T18:52:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago at work, one of the Jewel baggers who is mentally handi-capped (yes, that is relevant to the story) asked me my age. Being the wonderfully sarcastic person I am, I told her I was pushing 40, laughing inside at my obvious comedic abilities as it was such ridiculously funny answer. Much to my dismay, she believed me! Shame on me for teasing those less fortunate. As I stood there sputtering trying to figure out if my crows feet were not as ever-so-slight as I had thought she tried to make me feel better by saying, "Don't worry... you could pass for 27." Please note, reader, I am 26!

So what have I learned from this hard life lesson besides do not make sarcastic comments to those less fortunate than you less you want to be knocked on your ass? I have learned this: I am getting older. Granted, I still have lots of years ahead of me, but the truth of the matter is I have a lot I want to accomplish! In my 26 years on this earth I feel I have done very little and time's a wastin'! So, without any further ado I give you the list of things I want to tackle by my 27th birthday (drum roll please!):

1. Go back to school and get certified to become a teacher.

My current job, while it has some good points (i.e. it pays the bills!), is not really the best fit. When I was younger, I pictured my life quite the same as my mother's... a homemaker. BUT, that is not happening anytime soon (since being a mom isn't really a high paying or at all paying gig) I am sure I would enjoy the next best thing and that is teaching wee little ones. You heard me, WEE LITTLE ONES! No older than grade 2 because after that they just become snot-nosed-brat monsters and who wants to deal with that?! I know, I am going to be a great mother some day.

2. Eat healthy.

I do not do a terrible job of it now, but there is always room for improvement. Like, for example, maybe not polishing off that thing of ice cream when I am craving it like a crazy pregnant woman about to give birth to triplets. My focus will be healthy food choices, which will not be easy, but it is something I want to do... a lifestyle change I want to make and know I will feel better about myself for it. Which brings me to #3...

3. Find a form of exercise that I enjoy that I can do at least three times a week.

I hate working out. It might be the most awful thing in the world. Next to standing in line at the DMV. And Hannah Montanna. Ack! But if I could find something I enjoy doing that would make me so happy! And then I would want to do it! And that would help me with goal 4!

4. Lose my final 20 lbs that have stubbornly stayed put through diet, exercise, and yes... starvation!

As it says above, I have tried and tried again to lose this last 20 lbs. But, they just hang in there like the annoying relative at a family party who hangs in the corner, bugging the shit out of you, refusing to leave. GO AWAY! I have come to terms with the fact that the only way those stubborn fat sacks are going to vacate is if I truly work at it by eating healthy and exercising them on out the door.

5. Landscape!

I own a house. In my opinion it is a very lovely house. And since my opinion is always spot on you can be sure 'tis true. However, my very lovely house is missing something. A few somethings. Somethings green and pretty and foundation-view-blocking. Brian and I have discussed this several times. But, since I do not have a green thumb at all, in fact I am pretty sure it is a black thumb- as in thumb of death, this whole idea of landscaping is intimidating. I do not know the first thing about any of it. But I am a smart cookie (mmm, cookies... oh wait! crap... that's not a healthy food) so I am sure after a bit of research B and I could have it looking pretty lovely out front.

6. Remove the clutter.

You would be surprised the amount of crap that builds up when you own a house. I have so much stuff that I am not sure what to do with, so I keep it, but it really serves no purpose. I would like to do a clean sweep, find a place for the stuff I need, donate the stuff I don't, and junk the junk!

7. Have a girls night out twice a month.

It is a sad fact, but true, that I rarely see my friends. We are all so busy with our lives that it is hard to make time for each other. This makes me sad. I love my friends. I miss my friends. I need my friends. I am a happy, healthier person when they are more involved in my life and it shows. I would like to think I bring some of that to their lives too. Little do they know I will soon be mandating GIRLS NIGHT OUT!

8. Learn to change the oil in my car.

As it stands right now, I either take the car to Jiffy Lube or have my Daddy do it. But Jiffy Lube costs money and Daddy has a life and damnit I need to learn these things! Plus, I think it is hot when chicks know how to do dude stuff better than a dude.

9. Brush up on my Spanish.

My degree is in Spanish Business and Translation. Once upon a time I could probably hold a conversation in Spanish, now a days... not so much. It's funny, when you do not practice something it sort of leaks out of your head and makes you look stupid when you are in an interview and they ask in Spanish if you are fluent in Spanish and you don't know what they said even though you have a degree in translation! Not that has ever happened to me...

10. My last goal is private, but I did not want to leave you thinking I only had 9 goals because who really stops at 9? Perhaps in the future I will share with you this 10th goal, but for now it will remain in my heart.

So there is it! 10... well ok, fine... 9 things to get under my belt by April 1, 2010. Easy sqeezey-lemonpeezy. Whatever that means. Wish me luck, folks, I am in for a bumpy ride!

And yeah, did I mention, I was all by myself?

2009-08-05T18:13:00.000-07:00

I am sure this will shock and baffle those of you close to me, but I have just discovered that I Am Sucktastic At Being Alone. True story. Honestly, I have been on my own maaaaybe 3 hours and I am so bored I am cleaning! Cleaning, people!

How did this crisis situation come to be, you ask? Well, it just so happens that, unlucky for me, my boyfriend and my family decide to go on vacation at the same time. Without me. But not together... weird. No no, my man is in FL with his fam and my fam-damnly is in sunny Californ-I-A. Without me.

Now at first, at first I was rather looking forward to 5 days alone. Added bonus that my parents asked me to house/dog sit. Free food, free cable, free reign! Or so I thought...

Turns out that my loving mother in her infinite wisdom decided to let the food run down so nothing would spoil in their absence... as if it could when I am around. Second, while the cable thing seemed like a special treat (as my broke/cheap ass does not have any) I have found that it's more of a tease. Like, you would think with 8,374 channels to chose from, one could find something appealing or at least entertaining to watch. Sadly, after spraining my finger from channel flipping and discovering there was nothing remotely worth it on, I decided my time would be better suited elsewhere. Enter the vacuum! My parents have a Collie. And by Collie, I mean small cow. That sheds. All the time (if you need a fur coat, I got you covered- pun intended). So what better way to pass 5 days then to spend it cleaning up after the dog. Hooray, domestic fun!

Saturday cannot come soon enough.

Pay it Forward

2009-07-29T14:37:00.000-07:00

Before my boyfriend became my boyfriend, and hell, even a good while after we started dating, I used to make fun of him. To his face. About him living at home with his parents, where his mom would pack him lunch everyday for work, do his laundry, and have a hot meal on the table when he came home from work. He paid no rent, did not really have any chores (other than taking out the trash and occasionally cutting the grass if he didn't some how manage to get out of that as well... aka his brother was out of town) and in my humble and extremely fair opinion, was completely spoiled.

Now we live together. And guess what? I make him a lunch everyday (for the most part), do his laundry (hey, I am doing my own anyway... what's another two loads?), and 5-6 days out of the week have a hot meal on the table when he comes home from work. Now, however, for him there is a rent check every month-and trust me I am one mean landlady so you bes get that rent to me on time, ya digg? and that occasional cutting of the grass has become a little more regular because I refuse to do it. Still pretty spoiled, though.

Funny, isn't it? I am a total hypocrite.

But listen up- I am a changed woman! I have seen the light! I know the error of my ways! I have found Jesus!

Just kidding. But seriously, I get it now. Call me a freak, call me regressive, whatever. I have come to discover that I enjoy taking care of people I love. Doing laundry used to be a horrible task too awful to think about. Clothes would sit in my dryer for months, forgotten about, only to be taken out, judged too wrinkly and thrown in the washer again. And cooking for one was a nightmare. You can not make anything for one without having massive amounts of left-overs and let me tell you, people, I am NOT a fan of left-overs, especially if they weren't that good the first time around. But now, that is all different. I serve a purpose, I have meaning, someone depends on me and it feels good. I know he could do all of this stuff on his own, but I enjoy doing it because I enjoy making him happy. And, actually, it is completely selfish of me because I get enjoyment out of the whole thing...

In any case, it doesn't hurt to pay it forward.

The hotness or lack there of

2009-07-22T08:13:00.000-07:00

I have decided that I live in the wrong state. The main reason I say this, ok... the only reason I say this, is because of the godforsaken weather. After 26 years of dealing with Chicago land weather I am effing sick of it! For serious, people. If not for my family, I think I would have moved away the second I graduated college. There are so many states out there with warm weather almost all year long; I find that very appealing. Maybe South Carolina, or perhaps somewhere on the West Coast. Carmel California is so quaint, I really could see myself settling there.

But I digress. Back to IL and all it's weather changing glory. It is July now, right? I mean, we are well into July, in fact we shall be saying our misty-eyed farewells to July in 10 short days. That is less than two weeks. So where, pray-tell, is the hot weather that we have all come to expect for this time of the year? I love those 90 degree days where everything is sweltering and you break a sweat just walking to the bathroom. I am like a little kid before Christmas anxiously awaiting the the gift wrapped goodness of heat.

But no, it has not come. We have seen two, maybe three hot days this year, and that was ages ago, one cannot even remember if they were real or just a figment of the imagination. All we have had since those glorious sunny days are cold, cloudy, mild, and wet. I cannot stand the cold, barely tolerate this mild weather BS, and loathe the rain (unless I happen to have the day off and can sit at home and lounge). Ugh. All I am asking for is a little sun with a side of ohmygodmyskinissweatingoff heat.

I know, I am whining. But I just really love the hotness and wish it were here because soon enough it will be cold again and before we know it there will be snow (oh, the humanity!) and those thoughts are so awful they make baby Jesus cry.

So, heat, if you love Jesus and Sabrina, because both are equally important, won't you please come out to play?

Life's Not Fair

2009-07-15T09:52:00.001-07:00

It's true. And, while I have had some things happen to me that might qualify as unjust, none of them are equal to the injustice of yesterday's events.

I was feeling quite down about my failed cereal appetite suppressant idea when a thought occurred to me. I love shopping. (Breaking news ladies and gentleman, a woman in her early, ok... MID 20's, loves shopping!) This is good, I thought, I can use this.

My plan was a simple one: reward myself generously with a healthy shopping spree once I lose the desired amount of weight. I mean, 10, OK 15... fine! 20 lbs. shouldn't be that hard nor take so long that might make this unattainable. *Sigh of relief* Problem solved, I thought. In a few short weeks I would be enjoying my new body and my new clothes. Perfect.

But then! What should arrive in my mailbox? A Kohl's magazine. I laughed at it, knowing that, while there might be some tempting treats inside it's glossy pages, I would be able to resist. I should have thrown it away right then and there. I should have quickly moved on to the other mail awaiting my attention (enter bill... gas, water, electric, you name it... here). But I didn't. No, instead I turned the magazine over to find that magical little box on the front cover. For those of you not familiar with the Kohl's magazine, let me tell you about the magical little box. This box is special because it hold savings from 15-30 percent off ALL KOHL'S MERCHANDISE, including sale items! I am giddy just thinking about it! All you have to do is peel the sticker back to see your savings amount. As I stared down at the little box, I smirked. I have never gotten anything over the 15% off... why should this time be any different? It's probably the same as always, that lousy 15%, who cares about 15%? I tried to put the thought out of my mind and put the magazine in the recycle bin. But, as I walked toward the garage to place it in the bin, I started to pick at the sticker... and just as I reached said bin the sticker came off to reveal 30 PERCENT OFF!

I was elated! I need some new work clothes and my summer wardrobe could use some sprucing up as well. Perhaps I could find a new dress to wear to that upcoming wedding and matching jewelry to go with it? Oooo, and I have been wanting a new comforter and the towels in the guest bathroom could use replacing.

And then it hit me. The deal I made with myself. No shopping until I lose my desired amount of weight. I looked at the expiration date on the little magic box. July 22. Less than 10 days.

Eff. Life's not fair.

You Want a Cookie?

2009-07-13T19:01:00.000-07:00

My best friend's mom has a plaque in her kitchen that goes something along the lines of this-

"There is a skinny girl inside me crying to get out but I can usually shut her up with cookies"

Hilarious, yes. True, painstakingly! I have been trying for too long now to lose weight. Granted, I was very successful for a while, but I have hit a slump. I love food but it keeps me fat!

Now here is where all my friends get pissed off and start with the "Sabrina you are not fat, you look great. And the "Lots of girls would love to look like you's" and so on and so forth.

First of all, thank you. Second of all, bullshit. Now, I realize there are lots of other women out there who have a more significant weight issue than myself, but none the less I am not entirely happy with my appearance and it is something I struggle with daily. Umm, or more like hourly.

So here I am, 9:07 pm on Monday night and I am hungry! Mind you I have had 3 square (even though they are on a round plate we call them square, why?) meals today plus dessert. And I have tried to ignore the hunger pains and be a good girl and not eat anything until breakfast, but it is so so hard when my boyfriend, who eats like a horse, covers most everything in either butter or bacon, and washes it down with a regular (not diet calorie free) Snapple, needs his late night snack (buttered popcorn, please! which is so not fair that he can eat that crap this late at night and still have the body of a professional baseball player). What is a girl trying to lose 10, OK 15, ... fine! 20 lbs. to do?

*Light bulb*

I will have some healthy cereal! Like the girl in the Special K commercial! She looks full, and happy, and most importantly THIN. And, it just so happens that the other day in one of my self help, I need more fiber in my diet and this time I am really going to take care of myself moments, I bought this super healthy organic cereal. Perfect.

Enter Weetabix.

Hmmm. Upon first inspection it resembles something. Can't quite put my finger on it... its brown, bendy, and smells like... cardboard! That's it. Wonderful, I am about to eat cardboard. No! This is good for me. Do not judge until you have tried, Sabrina.

Right, so add a little skim milk, a dash of brown sugar, and enjoy. Enjoy. ENJOY DAMNIT!

This is going to be harder than I thought.

I'm a Big Girl Now

2009-07-12T19:59:00.000-07:00

Two thursdays ago I had to work the dreaded 1-11 shift. This shift is not as bad as the horrid 10-8 shift in which you cannot accomplish anything either before or after work. This shift, the 1-11 is dreaded because I can sleep in somewhat late (9 am is late people!) and still get something done before actually having to go to work. Still bad, because I hate working late, but at least I can run some errands.

So this particular thursday I had a few things to do before heading off to my wonderful job-

My objective: Get ready for work, return movies to video store, pick up dry cleaning, get gas (the meter is almost on empty) and then go to work.

My 'borrowed from my parents because I am too poor to afford a car payment, or car insurance, or hell, let's face it, anything but my mortgage,' 1993 850 GLT Volvo, whom I lovingly refer to as Yeti, had other plans.

Yeti's objective: Sit in garage until Sabrina's prissy ass is ready to go, start up totally normal not giving the slightest inclination that anything is wrong, drive to video store, die in video store parking lot.

Eff.

So, since I am a 26 year old responsible adult who is determined to make it on her own in this world, the first thing I do is call my Daddy. The conversation went something like this-

Me: Hi Daddy!
My Dad: Hi? (note the questioning tone preparing for the inevitable)
Me: So Yeti just died in the Family Video parking lot and it won't start and I have to be to work in 30 minutes and I don't know what to do! *sniffle*
My Dad: When is the last time you put gas in it?
Me: ...
My Dad: (sighs) Call you mother, there is a gas can in the garage. From now on, fill up your tank before it gets to 'E' which stands for empty. If that doesn't fix the problem, give me a call.
Me: Ok, thanks Dad.

Eff again. Calling mom.

The moral of the story: Cars need gas to make them go.

Who knew?

So you wanna be a blogger?

2009-07-12T19:55:00.000-07:00

Lately, I am really getting into reading blogs. It started with my very talented friend, Austin's blog, and spiraled out of control from there. Now I am reading friend's blogs and people I wish were my friends blogs CONSTANTLY. It is quite pathetic, but hey, no library late fees.

All this blog reading got me thinking that maybe... I... could... be a blogger too? I am not sure I am qualified. For one, I do not even know what qualifies one to be a blogger. I suppose you have to be a decent writer- yes that would help. And spelling is also probably very high on the "blogger to be" list.

Crud.

I do not think I am particularly good at either of these. Ok, that is a lie. I know I am not good at spelling. At all. But, I still yearn to join all those talented ranters out there who make witty remarks about the banal and normal events that take place on a day to day basis.

So here I am. I will give this a go. What's the worst that could happen?