This is My Scrooge Face

The holidays are a bitter sweet time for me. It wasn't always thus. Five years ago I would have gladly joined in with the of carving pumpkins, stuffing turkeys, and baking Christmas cookies. Five years ago, thoughts of family gatherings, holiday work parties, and champagne filled New Year's eves would have been front and center on my mind. And, come the beginning of October, when the leaves start changing and the days turn a bit colder, those warm fuzzy thoughts of the holidays sneak in, only to be quickly and abruptly squashed and replaced with thoughts of dread. Pure and utter dread because five years ago I started working retail. And working retail and warm fuzzy holidays feelings... they don't mix.

A list of reasons why:
1. There is no time off for me because everyone still needs to buy crap

2. Everyone translates to the entire population of the world times fifty gillion

3. While the holiday, whether it be Thanksgiving, Christmas, whatever, has been on the calendar for the ENTIRE YEAR, people decide the day before is the best time to go shopping

4. And then they are pissed at me when the store run out of turkey lacers, cheese cloth, wrapping paper... HOW DARE YOU NOT HAVE ENOUGH WRAPPING PAPER TWO HOURS BEFORE MIDNIGHT ON CHRISTMAS EVE, THE NERVE!

5. Now I have ruined some kid's entire life because their screw up parent just realized that zomg! tomorrow is a total sneak attack holiday that i had no idea about and i have nothing for my kids! this does not reflect on my parenting skills!

But, as I said... I still get the warm fuzzies, albeit brief and sparatic. Yesterday one of these moments hit me and I decided to put up the Christmas tree. Last year I was totally defeated the entire season and did not even get around to putting a wreath on the front door. However, yesterday I felt motivated so I went down to the basement and dug out the tree, ornaments, stockings, and garland. Things were going smoothly. I organized the ornaments, shook out the tree skirt, put on some Christmas music, and got to work. I was thinking things would go pretty quick as the tree is pre-lit so there is no messing with tangled lights or the pesky stringing and restringing to get them just perfect. Cause don't ya just hate when one side of the tree has more damn lights or a bare spot?! HATE. I digrees. So pre-lit. Easy. Or so I thought. I got the tree all set up, branches fluffed, positioned, and plugged it in:

What. The. Eff.

At first I thought there was a missing bulb. Two hours later after searching through every damned socket I decided, eff it! I got in the car, drove to Walmart, and bought a 100 strand oh white lights. And then I went home to remove the prestrung useless piece of crap lights, which took another hour, and proceeded to string and then RE-string the new lights I bought. You can laugh at the irony if you want, cause I did. And then I cried. After 4 hours and a pulled back muscle, this is the finished product:

Merry Effin Christmas.

All I Want For Christmas

Back in April, B and I made a deal. Sparknotes version- the deal was if I get to my goal weight of 138 B would quit smoking. The idea was that knowing my love's health rested on my shoulders would be a better motivator than just my own vain reasons for losing weight. If you follow my blog, you know I only lasted 9 weeks at dieting and now I am right back where I started. It's not that I do not care about my husband, I do and more than I can say, but it comes down to the fact that I equate my self worth with how I look and in the end that is sabotaging no matter how you look because no one will ever think they are perfect.

A very wise person told me that people love me for the person I am inside and that person is funny, kind, caring, and beautiful. Therefore, she said, my outsides reflect that, because people who love you will only see you for what matters. And I am embarrassed to say that while I can apply that to my friends and family, I have a hard time applying it to myself.

Yesterday a co-worker and I started a diet program together. We figured with Christmas right around the corner, we should try shed some pounds to combat the inevitable weight gain from all the up coming festivities. Yes, I want to lose weight. That has been a common blog theme for two plus years now. And yes, ideally I would love for B to quit smoking. These are both things we struggle with and ultimately come from within. B is taking steps. And I guess I am too... again.

But Santa... all I want for Christmas is to see myself as my love ones do.

The Moment You've All Been Waiting For!

Or not, but here are some wedding pics for your viewing pleasure:

It was such a perfect day and SO MUCH FUN! I want to do it all over again. Guess there is always renewing the vows...